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First catch your hare, then cook him.

Scornful dogs will eat dirty puddings.

Necessity knows no law.

A great dowry is a bed full of brambles.

A clear conscience laughs at false accusations.

Forbidden fruit is sweet.

As plain as the nose on a man's face.

Не does not possess wealth that allows it to possess him.

Neither rhyme nor reason.

The reasonable man adopts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adopt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

A lawyer never goes to law himself.

All men can't be first.

A fox shouldn't be of the jury at a goose's trial.

То send (carry) owls to Athens.

When the fox preaches, take care of your geese.

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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting  along with people, of getting things done.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first  create the universe.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed.  All removes right.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find  it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find  it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find  it.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its  students!

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like  you like to be liked yourself.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot  pregnant.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is  enemy action.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle  peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle  peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into  you.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing  at you.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st  century.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found  truth without it.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if  you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your  laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you  are on the wrong track

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an  unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil  liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter  Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,  and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you  will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you  will command the attention of the world.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell.  The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if  you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on  behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell,  where it is much more comfortable.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they  tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think  my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the  wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they  tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think  my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the  wall.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it  but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a  very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares  criticize it.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to  bed with me, she said 'no'.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic  and cowardly.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes  are so small.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the  customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls  and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls  and principles, come and join this campaign.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found  truth without it.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of  his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full  humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the  right.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll  be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of  his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full  humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would  be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would  be so simple we couldn't.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human  brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human  brain.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you  will command the attention of the world.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think  differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think  differently

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with  another must wait till that other is ready.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you  want to do.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing  trivial.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees  buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees  buy computers.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and  better tools.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if  you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your  laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if  you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your  laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the  only limitations those of libel.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The  opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't  laughing now.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes  can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the  foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing  a world order.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach  him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is  exciting.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who  would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two  strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would  be so simple we couldn't.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the  other alternatives.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument  than why I have one.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely  to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely  to be female.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at  leisure.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at  leisure.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't  laughing now.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a  burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier  to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier  to use than eating soup with a knife.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,  it's too dark to read.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach  him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is  exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach  him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is  exciting.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an  hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a  minute. THAT'S relativity.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'  And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot  function without partially ignorant people.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a  Democrat!

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole  government working for you.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no  meaning.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your  eyes off your goal.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is  an idiot.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you  are on the wrong track

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at  weekends.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of  both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught  himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of  both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught  himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of  justice.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have  to.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an  atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but  is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants  in whom you don't believe?

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate  my perfect right.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and  the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and  the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier  time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier  time raising money.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism  by those who don't have it.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has  endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us  to forgo their use.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most  to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of  every other.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I  was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it  itches.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed.  Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being  self-evident.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did  not have C++ in mind.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics  exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a  computer. All else is art.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be  a genius to understand the simplicity.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket  and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?'  I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to  kill you too'.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue  caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is  to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies,  and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no  obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us  out?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just  having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must  be classified as a fatal disease.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I  have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I  have while working.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon  loses both.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast  enough.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket  and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?'  I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to  kill you too'.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...  not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even  when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even  when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into  an open sewer and die.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the  second half by our children.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to  students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of  regeneration.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument  than why I have one.

The truth is more important than the facts.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it  everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong  remedies.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for  there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands  of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would  be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would  be so simple we couldn't.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the  things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best  teach it to dance.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be  light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be  light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do  him absolutely no good.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides  between success and failure.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to  students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of  regeneration.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two  strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle  peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle  peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of  mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of  mind by giving him a piece of hers.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the  belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the  belief that one's work is terribly important.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the  only limitations those of libel.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is  enemy action.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed.  All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed.  All removes right.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are  OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are  OK, then it must be you.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business  founded on friendship.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and  the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks  you take.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts  agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer  professionals. We cause accidents.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be  light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was  that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful  termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was  that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful  termination of their C programs.

Honolulu, it's got everything.  Sand for the children, sun for  the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a  Democrat!

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of  his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full  humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion  that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion  that he is trying to be funny.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on  fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on  fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about  other people.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths  theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths  theater.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts  agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer  professionals. We cause accidents.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks  you take.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library  and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you  do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love  their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is  not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't  think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't  think.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot  pregnant.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot  pregnant.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must  be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must  be classified as a fatal disease.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means,  it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of  man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means,  it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of  man.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles  writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly  mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental  records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you  are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed  to teach students about stacks.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The difference between what the most and the least learned  people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which  is unknown.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for  there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can  say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone  will.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Go on, get out.  Last words are for fools who haven't said  enough.

Go on, get out.  Last words are for fools who haven't said  enough.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world  she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews  or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called  a philosopher.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan,  mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look  impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan,  mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look  impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I  was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any  man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any  man I know.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his  hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your  eyes off your goal.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at  weekends.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing  without work.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the  Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the  Universe tends towards a maximum.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands  of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially  if they are dead.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the  richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas  they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they  delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know  how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative  positions, but that's my position.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an  unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil  liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands  of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said  to be living apart.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can  write faster than anybody who can write better.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and  better tools.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of  use of assembly language

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'  And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly,  while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly,  while bad people will find a way around the laws.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out  of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it  harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay  dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay  dead that scares the shit out of me.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found  truth without it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no  time reading it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to  students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of  regeneration.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st  century.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of  government. I do assure you that they would produce more  accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able  man.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a  harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to  interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the  only limitations those of libel.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of  mind by giving him a piece of hers.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot  pregnant.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot  pregnant.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I  was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees  buy computers.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that  someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time.  Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that  someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time.  Networks help alleviate that fear.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially  if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially  if they are dead.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st  century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st  century.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be  surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are  treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be  surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are  treating pregnant men.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In  both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains  unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks  you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks  you take.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a  computer. All else is art.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business  founded on friendship.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random  digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random  digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But  if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a  computer.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source  code.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the  second half by our children.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it  but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a  very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares  criticize it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying  near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying  near.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue  caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue  caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for  there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for  there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it  but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a  very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares  criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it  but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a  very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares  criticize it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts  agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer  professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts  agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer  professionals. We cause accidents.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come  to yours.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business  founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business  founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business  founded on friendship.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for  the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an  adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same  level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same  level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But  if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you  will command the attention of the world.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the  program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of  eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be  called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant  men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its  students!

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if  you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your  laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially,  never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are  OK, then it must be you.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have  to.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of  childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I  asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart;  and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no  brains.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything  that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything  that counts can be counted.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the  other alternatives.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random  digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think  differently

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think  differently

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an  optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from  giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is  enemy action.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've  only ever had one.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't  understand it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be  deemed a scholar.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was  that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful  termination of their C programs.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I  have while working.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would  turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is  an idiot.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be  sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be  sane and have one's doubts.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love  their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,  it's too dark to read.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over,  He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is  to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies,  and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no  obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is  to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies,  and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no  obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq,  Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with  about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on  the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous  than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life  form.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an  optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random  digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random  digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

There are many kinds of people in the world.  Are you one of  them?

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight  you, then you win.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't  understand it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the  Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the  Universe tends towards a maximum.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,  but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the  window?

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed  to teach students about stacks.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles  writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the  program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get  my head that far up my ass.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its  simplicity.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes  can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the  foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing  a world order.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even  when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it  everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong  remedies.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come  to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come  to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come  to yours.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes  can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the  foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing  a world order.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make  sense.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do  him absolutely no good.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your  way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your  way down.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially  if they are dead.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of  both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught  himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache  in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache  in house.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay  dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay  dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay  dead that scares the shit out of me.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must  be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must  be classified as a fatal disease.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The  opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that  morality comes from morons?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with  another must wait till that other is ready.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who  would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who  would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it  everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong  remedies.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even  when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did  not have C++ in mind.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially  dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially  dead.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes  can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the  foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing  a world order.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed  to teach students about stacks.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't  understand it.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make  the other bastard die for his.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of  the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of  the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews  or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews  or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise  his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise  his clients to plant vines.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a  thousand times longer to load...)

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive  circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other  toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive  circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other  toxins around your body.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet  but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet  but his books were read.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a  harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to  interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a  harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to  interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking  five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't  know where she is!

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly  mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental  records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you  are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell,  where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell,  where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell,  where it is much more comfortable.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't  think.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only  guarantees equality of opportunity.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house  and renting an apartment.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of  use of assembly language

The question of whether a computer can think is no more  interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first  create the universe.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a  chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a  chance to get its pants on.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is  to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies,  and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no  obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially  if they are dead.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the  Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop  assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the  blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first  create the universe.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by  death.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the  other alternatives.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,  it's too dark to read.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this  world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are  certainly much less frequent.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I  only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have  finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I  only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have  finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in  the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money  under false pretences.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you  want to do.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue  caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to  arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to  arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier  time raising money.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely  to be female.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are  OK, then it must be you.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the  only limitations those of libel.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its  simplicity.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed  despite their many failings.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are  interested and the frog dies of it.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is  not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the  other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the  other alternatives.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of  things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of  things.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

fantastic blog; beautifully written.

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